Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn’t measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It’s not winning battles that makes you happy, but it’s how many times you turned away and chose to look into a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones, let the rest go.”
Emerge a Victor – Not a Victim
Choose your battles wisely. Easier said than done, especially when you are reacting in the middle of a triggered episode or a crisis where your trust has been eroded.
Can you choose to be selective of problems, arguments, and confrontations that you engage in? What if what triggers you comes up like a split second and before you know it you’ve spiraled out of control into another debilitating and energy draining conversation?
I once dated a wildly successful professional man, who seemed to be fully in love with me, but was weirdly negative and filled with contempt for others. Even though he is highly successful and very well known by conventional terms — he has built a successful business, became very well-known, owned substantial rental property and had the money to do what he loved and collected cars and boats the way most people collect stamps — he lived a very isolated life. He seemed to enjoy putting people down with every other remark he made.
He hated movies, hated restaurants, and spent the majority of time on our dates complaining rather than relaxing and enjoying our time together. It quickly became a real drain on my psyche and eroded my self-confidence.
At first, he seemed enamored with me, but over time, after learning that I wrote books on “higher function” and The Law of Delight, he slowly began putting down my work as an intuitive, saying that it could never be as profitable as being a “respected” professional. It got to the point, he was actually embarrassed to introduce me, because of my name. “What if people think you are part of that terrorist group?”
He spent a lot time talking about his accomplishments while putting everyone around him down every statement he made.
He also bragged about the attention he got from women, which only further eroded my trust in whether or not he was actually committed to us. He would indirectly insult me with every other comment. And then when he wasn’t throwing shade or complimenting himself, he was putting others down by speaking ill of them — people he knew personally and associated with professionally. I found that very toxic.
I was very thrown off by his behavior and I found it affected me personally. I myself became increasingly isolated and couldn’t find happiness in the things I used to enjoy. I found myself for awhile, looking for his approval.
After leaving the relationship, I worked to let go of his judgments and criticisms. As a highly sensitive person, I tend to be connected deeply to the pain other people feel, and react to the criticism and put downs of others by crying.
Over time, I decided I have more important things to do than ruminate over and over about why the relationship didn’t work out, and if I want to achieve my dreams and goals, I need to choose my battles wisely and let go of petty things and people who are obviously in a great deal of pain like this. It’s difficult when you are empathic and sensitive. You want to help people be happier, healthier and often you take it upon yourself to help them have a healthy relationship, but the reality is, relationships are a two-way street, and if they aren’t keeping up their side, you have to walk away.
As painful as it is, I’ve walked away from many similar relationships that were toxic and abusive where I had been the mat other people wanted to wipe their feet on.
Choosing your battles wisely is precisely what I want to talk to you about today.
Becoming a Goddess of your own Universe means you get to choose what you engage in, and what you don’t. And you’ll find many times, similar patterns and similar relationships rear their heads up over and over, until you’ve learned to heal the pattern and stop sabotaging yourself.
Instead of getting involved with everything that rises up to get your attention, a Goddess knows her time is highly valuable. You save and protect your valuable time only for the important things in life, the ones give you the greatest payoff, and the ones where there is a strong chance of success. Butting heads with a negative energy vampire is not one of those times.
This applies to your work, relationships, and pretty much every area in life.
I used to be very reactive, believing I had to defend and go to war over any little thing I disagreed with or found hurtful, painful or abusive. I’ve since learned that most people are completely unaware and unconscious of what they are doing, so why bother wasting your time? On the other other hand, why waste your precious energy and time overreacting or getting emotionally entangled with “saving the world” or saving other people who have no desire to empower themselves or live a more positive, vibrant life?
When you choose your battles wisely, you are embracing your power to:
- Evaluate the problem or situation you are facing,
- Assess if the benefits of tackling it outweighs the energy or emotional cost, and
- Decide if you should fight it, accept it, or abandon it (ie: surrender and let it go).
Why is it important to choose your battles wisely?
- Not all seemingly “urgent” situations are important problems that need your attention, now – or ever. Some problems may seem urgent, but simply don’t matter, especially in the long run. My example above with the judgmental guy I was dating (and yes, fell in love with) is one. Encounters with rude, angry or abusive people are another trigger for me and used to get me riled up faster than anything. While these situations are not ideal, we can choose not to be weighed down by choosing to consciously let them go and let The Universe take care of it while you focus on the most optimal outcome you desire for yourself and your life. After all, there are many other things in the world worth your precious time and energy. Likewise, a Goddess chooses to concern herself with her rolling her big dice and achieving her life goals, not the silly, petty problems that ultimately have no place in your life or relationships. No matter what it is, a person, a relationship, a job, a client or a vendor, you can choose to let it go, in order to let new things in that delight you.
- Some problems may seem “urgent”, but the payoff from investing time and energy into them doesn’t outweigh the costs. My current boyfriend asked me why I wasn’t willing to sue someone who ran a stop sign and clipped me. To be honest, the guy was driving an old, broken down car, he was obviously not from this country, there was no license plate, and the likelihood of finding him was a needle in a haystack. I weighed the cost with the benefit. Would I honestly see any benefit? Financially, emotionally? Otherwise? Was I seriously injured? No. Is spending the next two years in court or dealing with police investigators and lawyers really how I want to spend my precious time and energy? No. Now, every person has their personal own weights and scales to measure such fights. However, I believe such problems will only waste your time and energy since the costs to me obviously outweigh the benefits. You want to choose battles wisely, where the benefits for you or your loved ones far outweigh the costs.
- Your time and energy are more limited than you realize. Ideally you want to solve everything. I do. We all do. But as humans, we have a very limited amount of time and energy on Earth. And time and energy are your two most valuable assets. Near death experiences really help us tune into what really matters most to us in life. It does make it easier to counter balance the cost-benefit and understand the limits you have on your life. Choosing your battles wisely helps you conserve your most precious assets for the things that really matter to you. For example is getting into an argument with that bull-headed manager in finance, really worth your precious Energy? No. Let it go and let the Universe resolve it on your behalf.
- It’s not about winning – at all. In life, you are going to face countless problems, challenges and excruciating heartache if you are taking bold risks. Do you want to spend your life battling petty problems that don’t make a difference to your goals and your bigger vision in the long run? Or do you want to learn how to roll big boulders down hills rather than pushing two-ton boulders up mountains, like designing your dream life and career, building your ideal relationship, being financially free, and living the life of freedom and growth? The Goddess chooses her battles wisely. It’s part of divine living that enables you to focus on the big pieces. And – its not about “winning”. Because if we are all one and there is no me without you, I need you to win in life just as much as I do. That’s why at the higher levels of awareness, there is no win/lose, there is no duality, there is no good/evil or right or wrong.
How to Choose Your Battles Wisely to Make the Most of Your Life as an Empowered, Warrior Goddess
So how do you know when to fight a battle and when to let go and move on? Do you want to know when it’s more courageous to embrace the higher path, turn the other cheek and love your opposition anyways? You see, the battles you are fighting, you are ultimately fighting with an aspect of yourself. When you understand this you understand the reflection that’s rising up to meet you and what’s the best way to embrace it as an empowered, warrior goddess of peace and love.
I have seven tips for you. 🙂
1) Look at the battle from all sides, what’s involved, and if it has serious, long-term implications – then decide what you’ll invest and for how long. Let it go if it has little consequences. Don’t let your small mind – your ego – make this choice.
Before you get involved with the battle, consider if there is a need for you to involve yourself. Most of the time, the things we get upset about are small, petty issues with no impact on our well-being in the long run, but the battle we think we are fighting may have negative consequences if we aren’t aware of what they are. Concern yourself only with the most important problems with long-term implications, not petty problems. Most important problems may exist around your survival (financial, health, career), your family, your relationships, your reputation, your profession.
- Is this problem going to recur or balloon out of control if I do not deal with it head on?
- Is this problem going to cause me significant negative impact if I do not deal with it?
- Can I live without addressing it? Can I thrive with the energy I do not involve in this?
- Am I procrastinating out of fear, or is this something I really need to proactively deal with it?
If you answered “yes” to questions #1 and #2 and “no” to the third one, that means the problem is consequential and worth addressing. Take time to answer #4 to figure out exactly what could be your driver.
Most people avoid problems out of fear and procrastination, rather than being truly deliberate and consciously aware. This is a difference between maturity and avoidance. I tend towards being both an avoider and a maximizer of problems. I maximize problems to get attention (it was how I learned to get my needs met as a child), and I avoid dealing with painful things, like confrontation, because the repercussions in my childhood were severe and abusive if I brought up problems to have them addressed. Knowing your proclivities enables you to answer this objectively.
Now, you can look at this objectively and decide very quickly how to best handle the situation.
In general, most problems we face don’t require our attention.
For more on prioritization:
- The 2 Questions You Need to Ask Yourself, Now
- Prioritize Your Self-Care
- Value Your Needs and Goals
- Put What’s Most Important to You First
- Place High Value on YOU and What YOU Want
- Achieve More With Less Effort and Activity
2) “Tune in” to do your cost-benefit analysis
We conduct an intuitive cost-benefit analysis is our business consulting to assess if a project or investment is sound before proceeding forward. You see, most companies fail in 80% of the products and services they bring to market, because they randomly invest in projects without “tuning in”.
Bottom Line: what are the pros and cons of investing my time and energy (or money) into this problem?
Before tackling any situation, you want to conduct an intuitive cost-benefit analysis. This means, closing off all distractions, meditate for a little bit, clear your mind and your plate, and then objectively assess the costs of tackling the problem, be it monetary or non-monetary (such as time, effort, and emotional drain). Then assess the benefits. Weigh out them out. Now you can choose to proceed if the benefits to you outweigh the costs.
I worked with a company in a consulting agreement that ended up breaching our contract. Despite agreeing to paying me for the work I had conducted for them, they didn’t respond to multiple payment requests and became unresponsive.
Similarly, I’ve hired a few coaches or consultants and experienced similar situations.
After following up a few times, I sat back and asked myself how much was my time really worth? Was it worth more to pursue the matter further or was my ego getting involved? How much would legal fees cost and other things? Why engage further if I could better pursue other avenues?
I sat back and I weighed the costs vs. the benefits.
It simply wasn’t worth it to me. Cost-wise, not only would it take up my time and energy to pursue the matter, but it would also cost more money and legal headaches.
I don’t care about burning bridges, because letting that fear drive me, limits my ability to create new avenues for profit.
I may be a one-person team, but I also know I have more talent and expertise than a team of fifteen. Benefits-wise, even if I forced them to honor our agreement, the deal would actually cost me money, which I may or may not be able to recover later in the lawsuit.
To me, my energy could be better valued through what I’d rather enjoy, time with my son and writing.
Given the unfavorable costs, low to no payoff, and the low odds of the situation moving in my favor, I sat with it for a few days, and ultimately decided that it was best to let go and move on with my life. There was no love lost and a few months later I was paid – in full – for the work I had done.
This doesn’t mean that we should avoid battles every time. Simultaneously, it also doesn’t mean backing down in fear just because a bully like a big conglomerate is in the room.
In a case where there’s a lot at stake (such as workplace harassment, slave labor, negligence, wage discrimination or bullying), you may want to pursue the battle if there isn’t a serious downside like heavy financial costs or lasting reputation damage. I have stood up against high school bullying before, I stood up for maintaining student’s rights to a reasonable dress code and individuality, and I stand up to human trafficking and slavery, as well as to workplace harassment or discrimination and I empower other women to do the same.
Benefits don’t always have to be monetary — they are more often than not intangible and inquantifiable, like sending a positive message to others, being a beacon of hope and light (such as my case for being a beacon of hope for women or children who have been abducted, sold into slavery or trafficked) or protecting rights and initiating cultural and societal changes for future generations to come.
That’s what a Goddess does. She’s a leader and an influencer. A Voice for Change. She is not a shrinking violet. She is a warrior for those who cannot fight for themselves.
Every situation is different, so I do recommend assessing your own on a case-by-case basis.
Only take up a cause or a battle if there is a powerful or positive payoff. This isn’t selfish, by the way, it is an act of Self-Love.
3) You want to create the Most Optimal Outcomes Possible.
Now some of you may be surprised by my suggestion of most optimal outcomes for all involved. “Why ‘win-win’ and not ‘win-lose’?” you may ask. “Isn’t this supposed to be a battle? Why should I help my opponent win? They are in the wrong and I’m right! This is a battle to the death!”
Please see this through with me. I used to think that way myself. That the only way to protect my family, protect my turf, or protect myself, was if the other guy “lost”. It’s a tough thing to consider, especially when you are viewing your opponent with fear or as your enemy, rather than someone who deserves your love, respect and compassion. Despite using “battle” as the analogy in this post, I want to encourage you to think about your “opponent” as your friend, your ally. Someone who wants the best for you as you want the best for them.
The reason is simple: When you have a mindset of squashing others to keep yourself safe and protected, you are adopting a fear-based, scarcity mindset that’s rooted in pain and the past —one where there must always be a winner and a loser, where you will always be the victim fighting for your rights, where there will be one one who loses everything, and where everything becomes a zero sum game that is centered in an unhealthy ego that will end up destroying you and your relationships. I speak from personal experience.
While this mindset may seem normal in today’s material-driven and low-consciousness world, it isn’t. Most of us suffer from PTSD of some kind due to abuses we have survived. But as our awareness grows, so our need to forgive grows.
We live in a universe of oneness and abundance, where opportunities are everywhere and everyone can achieve love, security, peace and abundance together.
By thinking in scarcity, fear or lack mentality, we’ll only attract more scarcity, lack and fear since like attracts like.
So think win-win where everyone wins vs. win-lose where there can only be a winner. And that begins with you, first. Focus on the most optimal result you could achieve, then ask The Universe what the most optimal result is the other party could achieve WHILE you achieve your most optimal result. We don’t live in a dualistic paradigm. We don’t live in a world where there can only be one winner.
The battle here isn’t against your opponent. In your mind, it must be focused wholly in resolving the conflict. Sometimes your opponent may be a victim of the circumstance like you. Meaning…
- If you are experiencing a conflict with your partner, work out a scenario where both of you will be happy without compromising each other’s needs, as opposed to one where one has to compromise for the other. Read: How to Balance Between Your Needs and Your Partner’s Needs
- If you are having a disagreement with your boss, find a way to match his/her needs without compromising your own, as opposed to allowing yourself pushed over by his ego, or butting heads every time.
- If you are displeased with your staff’s performance, don’t shame or punish them. Use the concepts that it’s a “training” issue, not a “behavioral” issue, and focusing on what they do well. Isolate the underlying issue (usually its an unspoken need not being met), then coaching them to become more empowered at work and providing structures for better communications, training, career growth and constructive feedback.
- With children, don’t blame the child, instead, focus on the issues in a similar way as you would your employees, through focusing on it being a “training” issue rather than a “behavioral” issue, give them goals to reach, incorporate non-violent communications frameworks so your child can communicate their needs, and help them recognize their issue areas more effectively.
- Recognize first your limitations as a leader/parent/partner, and commit to improving yourself so the relationships you have with others are capable of growing.
These strategies motivate people around you to work on the relationship with you, because you are an inspiring person who nurtures and fosters their growth with compassion, inspiration and motivation. The people around you should feel like they are a significant part of your world.
They should feel needed, wanted and valued, that they are a vital component to your life and know you believe them capable of achieving things they don’t always believe of themselves, which enables them to feel they can strive and win with you by their side, not feel like a loser.
People will work for you and your goals if they know they are part of your success quotient.
Read: Stop Shaming, Start Praising and How to Give Constructive, Balanced Feedback That Empowers People to Change and Grow
Adopt this same win-win mindset for any conflict with friends, family, and colleagues. Ask yourself: “What is the scenario where everyone will walk away happy? What is the scenario where everyone will win?” Then work toward that outcome.
Sometimes it doesn’t always work when there’s competing needs, competing agendas or competing fears. For example, you want your ex to get therapy to be a healthier person and happier parent, but he refuses to do so, because he cannot see the damage he is causing with his abusive tendencies, there’s not much you can do except document the issues and present them to the court to develop a record and eventually have him held accountable to the consequences of his choices.
4) Have a heart-centered, open discussion about the opposing views and needs
One of the hardest things for me to learn was how to have a heart-centered, open discussion and not feel threatened or triggered.
I can trace exactly why it’s so hard for me to speak about my needs and why I had a tendency to avoid intimacy or relationships. Every conversation with my mother and sisters were potential land mines where you never knew what kind of a reaction you would end up having. It made conversing dangerous, often scary.
Yet, communication is the most important part of achieving a win-win outcome. By learning nonviolent approaches, you can have an open, heart-centered discussion that enables both parties to get their needs met. When we act based on our own isolated judgements without objectivity and project all our views and past fears onto the other person, it’s the same as shutting them out and refusing to hear them. We catalog them and check a box next to their name. I used to flip the “idiot” bit on people I didn’t agree with or people who “hurt” me with their criticism and judgement. It was all defense mechanisms to protect me and keep me from being vulnerable or intimate with others.
Respect that the other party has their views, their opinions, their history and goals that may be entirely different from ours. To truly achieve a win-win, it’s important to listen to them without an agenda or judgement. Consider their point of view as if you are a third party mediating the discussion. Try to keep yourself outside of the box of your emotions and feelings so you can discuss the best outcome.
During of my coaching calls with my client Debbie, she told me she felt deep resentment for her husband. She felt she sacrificed so much of herself to keep the family going for the past 15 years and felt taken for granted and unappreciated. She was working two jobs, taking care of the kids, the cooking and the housework. She felt that she had put her real life on hold in taking care of the family, without much help from her husband. She said, “all he does is work one job, then come home and go out on the weekends”.
She still loves him and they are sweethearts who have been married for over 20 years; but was a core issue that had been brewing inside her and leading to several blow-ups over the past few years.
So then I asked my client, “Does he know? Have you ever talked to him about how him going out on the weekends leaving you makes you feel unappreciated and taken for granted?”
She said, “Not in so many words. I tend to blow up over the dishes, or the trash not being taken out, but I haven’t told him this.”
I encouraged her to talk to her husband using heart-based love language and let him know what she needed and she did. By our next call, she shared that they had a very in-depth conversation about their needs and wants in the relationship in a way they don’t usually have, and that her husband was surprised to learn what she had been feeling. He revealed he had been feeling unwanted and underfoot.
He reaffirmed his love and gratitude for her and told her how much he valued her as a wife and mother. They agreed to find more ways to earn money and to share the responsibility for the household income and household chores together, rather than letting her take all the burden. The talk subsequently brought them closer together. He also agreed to take on many more chores. She said they’ve split up so much and she feels freer than she had in years.
What would have happened if she didn’t have an open talk with her husband? Perhaps she might have continued to reacted passive aggressively, such as picking fights, being argumentative or critical and doing things her own way.
This would create even more conflicts, make her husband even more unhappy, and most of all, create an unhealthy household for everyone. Her husband would still be clueless to what was going on, and the underling issue would remain unresolved.
How can you have an open discussion?
- Seek understanding the other person’s needs, rather than override their opinions with your own
- Don’t criticize or devalue the other person, even when they are criticizing or devaluing you
- Share your views and opinions and let others have their chance to share theirs
- Stay on your side of the fence and own your side of the issue
- Be supportive and reframe to deepen your understanding as others are sharing
- Empathize and listen to hold space for the other – not to respond
- Give the other person a place of respect, space to heal and feel valued.
- Focus on the positives and the growth at every step
- Acknowledge them for their courage to be vulnerable and share
- Discuss and exchange ideas to build the best outcome for everyone
Read: 10 Rules for Life-Changing Conversations
5) Ground your roots deep in the earth so you can stretch to a higher level of consciousness
When engaging in a conflict, emotions run very high. People triggered or operating in fear or anger react negatively and lash out because they are in pain. They cannot see clearly in the heat of the moment and yes the emotions are taking over logical thought. Emotional triggers are especially prevalent for individuals who are working through depression, feeling devalued, PTSD, or a major loss.
In asserting your stance, both of you may end up losing your temper and act out of fear rather than love. When this happens, try to take the time it takes to walk away, disconnect from the energy of the situation and regain a sense of solid ground.
When you lose your temper, you have lost connection with both your roots and your Higher Self. Not only will you be unable to think rationally, you’ll also not be able to convey yourself eloquently, much less achieve the most optimal outcome you desire for yourself and others. Honest, open, loving communication must be the foundation. Forms of manipulation, game playing, gas-lighting, victimizing, blaming or shaming renders the entire communication false and creates unnecessary drama.
You don’t want drama. You want to maintain your sanctity and stay within your boundaries. You want to stay rational, calm and collected to resolve the situation in the best way possible… and not obsess about the conversation or ruminate three months down the road and wonder, Why did I say/do that???
Heated conversations, saying something you will later regret – are where most battles – and relationships – are lost.
Before heading into what you perceive is going to be a difficult conversation take the time it takes to ground yourself then rise up to focus not on the pain of the situation, but the most optimal outcome you could manifest for both sides.
Ground yourself with deep roots to rise up to higher consciousness — We need our roots deep into the earth energy to remain grounded and aware of the present moment. This will help you stay connected and not be triggered by a word or emotion that could be linked to your past. Like trees, the deeper our roots, the higher we can stretch and grow. Roots help you remain unbuffetted by life’s circumstances. It may help if you imagine yourself as if you are a great Redwood tree, stretching your roots deep into the earth, unaffected by the winds of emotions and random thoughts or words that come and go. As you imagine yourself growing and rising in awareness, imagine your energy is composed, think with the end-goal in mind, and speak in a way that ensures you remain focused everyone’s best interest and most optimal outcomes.
Some tips to help you:
- Consider your role models. The people who inspire you to grow and how they would handle this situation. Get ideas from how they would behave. What Would “____” do and say?
- Practice what you are going to say in front of the mirror as if you are the person who is your role model.
- Breathe deeply. We often become shallow breathers when we are triggered, emotional or stressed. Breathing is our lifeline to remain connected to your roots and your branches of higher consciousness.
- Remember, you’re not battling against the person, you are working to resolve the conflict. Focus less on “battling” or “fighting” and more on healing and growth.
- Critique the situation, not the person. I might say something like, “This situation really stinks. I don’t want this chasm between us. How can we resolve this so we can move forward, together?” Read: How to Give Constructive Feedback, Strategies to Stop Criticizing and Judging so You Can Create Healing & Growth
- Keep your focus on the most optimal outcome for everyone (tip #3). Work on moving towards that outcome throughout the discussion.
- Detach yourself from the negative emotions and hurtful words exchanged (if any); people tend to say things they don’t mean to when they are angry. Let it go. Forgive and forget.
6) Have an exit strategy planned
In theory, if you have unlimited resources you can fight forever. The reality is we don’t have unlimited resources of energy, time or health to devote to drama or fighting. We have higher priorities to tend to. We can’t spend forever dealing with a problem if it’s not progressing despite our best efforts.
You need to decide the cut-your-losses point and create an exit strategy. This is the signal that tells you, “Okay, that’s it. Time to cut my losses and move on, it’s not worth it any longer.” This is the point where you need to exit to preserve your sense of sanity and self-compassion regardless of what’s happening “out there”, because you have incurred your maximum loss and you can’t afford to lose any more. I more frequently suggest this exit strategy in relationships that have gone sour for too long, but it can happen in many areas of life.
One time, my ex partner in our non-profit charity was ripped off by a government official in Vietnam. The amount in question amounted to about $8,000, a veritable fortune there. You can buy property in some parts of the country for that amount. We were so upset not just about the money itself, but that it was going to affect how soon we would be able to open one of our new schools for children we’ve gotten out of slavery.
We couldn’t believe that we had to deal with such a dishonest man for the next several weeks. It was mortifying. I tried to convey our challenges to one of our other contacts, but he shrugged his shoulders and said, “welcome to Vietnam.”
Our volunteer staff was very helpful and tried to help us raise more funds but there was little we could do.
After a few days of frustration in trying to recoup our lost donations from the corrupt official, I told my partner that we should let this go and move on to our higher work at hand. I told her I believed the Universe has a way of giving back a thousand fold what was taken in other ways.
There was no way for us to get the official to give us back our money, and if we put up a bigger fight, it could be other aspects of our work could become blocked or even stopped altogether.
Moreover, the amount in question was 8,000 USD. Honestly, in the big scheme of things, it’s not a lot of money. I could find a way to raise it from another donor, rather than trying to convince a crooked government in a foreign land to give it back to us and persecute their own official.
So we let go of the incident and focused on getting the school built. I was angry about the money loss for many weeks, but spinning my wheels staying angry served no purpose. It is easier to move on and focus on the bigger things, like getting our children we just got out of slavery housed, clothed and safe from harm as fast as we can.
- How to Deal with Dishonest or Manipulative People
- How to Heal from Betrayal: 7 Strategies to Handle Someone Who Betrays You or “Stabs” You in the Back
7) Let go of problems you cannot resolve, and don’t revisit them.
If the problem remains unresolved despite your best efforts, let it go. Likely the person on the other side doesn’t want to resolve the problem because its serving their needs in some way.
Success comes not from not winning every battle, but learning to let go and preserve your peace of mind happiness when it’s time to do so. While tip #6 is about knowing when to use your exit strategy when things aren’t going your way, this tip is the next step – it’s about about letting go the attachment to the problem itself. Just because you stopped trying to resolve a problem doesn’t mean that you let go of it mentally or emotionally.
It can eat you alive if you allow it.
For example, one of my colleagues was struggling with her team at work. They were sabotaging her project, gossiping and backstabbing her, and creating nearly insurmountable issues. The environment was becoming increasingly toxic.
While she, a vice president of a Fortune 500 company felt deeply troubled by the situation and even cried in my office at one point, I gave her a piece of advice. Sometimes the doors are closed because there’s a better door opening for us down the hall. I advised her to look beyond our group and into another division.
She focused on making a career exit strategy. She worked on her resume and I helped her finish the project, get incredible results despite their best efforts to sabotage her, and then helped her look for a new group after she got her one year-tenure approval from HR to move. Eventually she secured a new leadership position within a completely different division who were delighted by her work. On top of this, she received better pay, bonus structure and a more flexible work schedule.
She has been working with that group for two years has been promoted to a senior executive position is fully delighted by her place. She let go completely of the other group and chose to focus on her talents and gifts on delighting her new team and herself. In return, she has received what she wanted most in her career.
How can you let go of the problems, focus instead on delighting yourself?
- Acknowledge your feelings, and go to the center of them. So things didn’t go the way you want. So, let’s manifest a better outcome. But first, we need to get to the center of our feelings now so we can release them and move past. How do you feel? Sad? Angry? Disappointed? Write down your feelings – all your hurt and pain — use my signature rapid brain dump exercise to dump all the junk in your trunk- ie: unhelpful garbage so you can regain clarity and center yourself. Read: Increase Your Mental Clarity in Just 15 Minutes
- Understand why you are feeling this way. There’s a reason why you feel so badly. Get to the center of this to understand the underlying issue Why do you feel this way? What do you feel unjust about? What hurt you? How did you give your power away? How did the situation cause this pain? Dig into the root issue: perhaps it’s because you felt disrespected, devalued, unheard, underappreciated, or because the situation confronts one of your fears, or because it deals with a past issue that you haven’t dealt with yet, something that matters a lot to your sense of self-identity.
- Manifest a new path forward. There are many paths to achieving your goals. If the conflict can’t be resolved to your satisfaction, what can you focus on to manifest a new path forward? Identify as many new positive ways forward as you can. The more paths and options you have, the better you will feel. You won’t feel hopeless or lost. There is a way through this. For example with my friend, she couldn’t resolve the conflict with her last team, no matter what she did. Sometimes you cannot resolve the situation, no matter what you try. So, the next best step was to look for a new position within the company — which worked out most optimally for her. Ask yourself, how can I stay on track in my own plan in life, despite the outcome not working out the way you thought you wanted?
Finally, sometimes what we think is most optimal, actually isn’t the most optimal outcome. Sometimes letting go and manifesting something new IS the most optimal outcome possible, because it alleviates all the issues to begin with. There’s no problem if the manifestation solves the issues on your behalf.
Are You Facing Any Battle Right Now?
Are you facing any battle right now? Should you fight it out, work it out, or walk away and let it go? If you choose to fight it, how can you apply the tips above to engage in a way that resolves the conflict? Ideally, you’ll learn to apply the Law of Delight approaches to life’s situations. :-).
With my love,